I always thought of myself as a pretty laid back person before I became a mom -- and in some ways, I still very much am. But momhood made me do a once over on myself. I became more self aware of where I didn’t like relinquishing control. If you’re a control freak (like I apparently am), this post is for you. I’m constantly trying to figure out how to master the subtle art of letting go. Everytime I let the grip slip just a little, I realize how freeing it is, and how much more I enjoy this path I’m on.

So LET GO...

Of your birth plan.

That’s right -- it starts before the baby is even born. Might as well rip that piece of paper up because chances are, everything you’ve planned will go out the window. Whether you end up getting induced, having an emergency C-section, or delivering in the hospital (but wanted a home birth) -- the list goes on and on.

I had a birth plan from Babycenter. I hired a doula to massage me in between contractions. I wanted my husband to cut the umbilical cord. I created a relaxing music playlist, because dammit -- I wanted to listen to Ed Sheeran’s dulcet tones singing ‘Shape of You,’ when my shape was alien to me. And I wanted to deliver vaginally.

Surprise. None of the above happened. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, let alone touch me when I was in labor. I was in so much pain, and the contractions were coming on so fast that all I could think about was getting an epidural, not listening to music. I said bye-bye to a ripped vagina and hello to torn-up abs because I got an emergency C-section. Turns out my umbilical cord was wrapped around my son’s ankle and hurting his oxygen supply. There was no control-freaking my way out of that.

Of thinking that your partner will have the same parenting style as you.

You’re different people, so why would your parenting style be the same? While compromise between your styles will need to happen for a sane relationship, it’s important to remember that even if your styles are different, it’s okay. In fact, that difference does strike a balance that’s critically important for your child. They get exposed to more than one way of doing things...which, hello...is life.

I used to get upset at my husband when he didn’t put our son to bed around the same time everyday. I would protest if I thought he was playing with him too roughly or disciplining him too hard. I was very critical if he didn’t cut our son’s food enough so he could easily chew it. All that criticism hurt my husband’s confidence in being a parent and forming his own style. We were often caught up in roles where I was managing him and he was my subordinate — rather than working as a team and learning from each other’s experiences.

Of the way things used to be.

Your body, lifestyle, and even sex aren’t going to be the same as it was before. But even though it’s different now, doesn’t mean it’s worse. Change, while hard, is always an opportunity for growth.

I started working out again at eight weeks, which is the minimal amount of time for healing after having a C-section. I was able to get my pre-pregnancy weight back and look more or less the same on the surface -- but internally, my body was all kinds of fucked up. While my body may never be the same internally, the issues I faced brought me to try acupuncture for the first time to help heal and now I swear by it.

Of how things are “supposed to” be.

He’s “supposed to” be walking by now. She’s “supposed to” be sleeping more at this age. Or you’re “supposed to” be better at this mom thing. This is where you’ll need to make sure your preconceived notions are in check and you’re not believing everything you’re reading. There are so many variables at play and so many paths to take that the notion of “supposed to” is utterly a myth.

My son was 17.5 months and I was fretting that he wasn’t walking regularly at that point. Was I doing something wrong? Was there something wrong with my child? Then I stopped to think about it more. It’s not like I see a bunch of physically able adults crawling around to brush their teeth, or get their coffee, or go to work -- they’ve all learned to walk at some point. Phew.

Of your desire to be perfect.

Newsflash: you’re not perfect. You’re human, just like the rest of us. Embrace that you can’t do it all. Ultimately, that will help you set better boundaries for what’s important, delegate what you can’t do, and scrap what’s unnecessary.

Before I had a child, I strongly believed that my marriage was equally (if not more) important to my relationship with my baby boy. Reality sunk in post-partum. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and having to care for a new, helpless human being. It wasn’t surprising that my marriage took a bit of a nosedive. I came to the realization that I just couldn’t be everything to everyone all the time. I took steps to get over the hump by openly communicating with my husband. We ended up going through couples’ therapy which helped.

Of knowing all the answers.

Unless you’re Bran Stark, you don’t know all the answers. You’re more like a Jon Snow, who knows (practically) nothing. Raising children is a complex endeavor. No amount of research or experience will result in you knowing everything.

Ever since I became a mom, I could have sworn that women had a biological advantage over men and the “maternal instinct” was something only we could have. After all, we carried the child in our wombs for nine months. It’s only natural we may hear the baby crying before he does, or we may smell the poopy diaper faster, or we may know exactly how our child is feeling. Goes to show how much I know.

Of molding your child into something only you want.

Your child isn’t you. She’s her own person, with her own abilities, needs, and desires. Molding your child into what you want will only create confusion for them, and in the worst cases, an identity crisis. You can still guide them to be good people with morals and manners (that is one of the most important jobs of parenting). But when it comes to questions of what they want to be when they grow up, who they should date or be friends with -- it’s probably best to take the backseat and let them learn their own lessons. You can be the spirited mom on the sidelines that doesn’t know all of the answers, but supports them along the way.

So what baggage are you carrying? Or, what’s the baggage you’ve finally figured out how to leave behind?