Mom-Shaming: A Reflection On How To Deal

My first experience with mom-shaming happened when I had difficulty producing milk for my newborn child. "What is going on? Why is nothing coming out?" someone said. Then when I supplemented with formula, all of the articles I read and advice I heard about why breastmilk was better for the baby came thundering into my mind. As if an echo to my thoughts, a woman replied, "are you sure you can't try harder to give him breastmilk instead?"

I was mommy-shamed for my child not walking. Eventually, like the rest of us, he started.

A few months later, I looked down at my belly in a swimsuit. That stubborn pudge was still there, even after months of exercise, healthy eating, and breastfeeding. Someone had the gall to tell me that I wasn't working hard enough and that I was doing something wrong. She looked at my C-section scar and remarked that it was weird-looking and very dark. Really? Who would say that to someone?

More mom-shaming came my way when it was time for me to go back to work. I was torn. Some part of me wanted to get back into the swing of things, have more adult conversations, and be "productive" again. And another part longingly wished to stay back at home with my child. A woman told me it was best to leave work early and spend more time with him. "You're going to miss all of his early, important years," she scolded. Another woman countered with "I would get so bored if I stayed home all day."

Then there was the time my husband and I decided to take a short adults-only vacation during our son's first birthday. My son was too young to know it was his birthday. My husband and I needed the break. And we were going to have a big party for our son the following week. Yet, someone had to say "why the hell are you missing your child's first birthday?"

When my son was 17-months-old and still not walking on his own, I was a bit worried. I started doing some research to understand when the typical age range for walking was. Even after some relief of realizing that he was still within the normal range, I heard someone say that it was a bit strange that he wasn't walking by now. Great. That just added more to my worry.

And I can't forget the time he got pink-eye and a cold within practically the same week. He had just started going to daycare, so of course, it was reasonable to get sick more often. Daycare was helping build his immunity. But someone had to irrationally say that I wasn't doing enough to protect him from diseases. She mentioned that he probably contracted something when he ate that dried-up pea off the floor at my house that only gets vacuumed every couple of weeks.

I've lived with all of this shame. Sometimes, it's unbearable enough to keep me awake at night. Their voices echo in the stillness of my dark bedroom, forcing me to question whether I'm doing a good enough job as a mom.

So who are these mommy shamers? Well, they're all me. They're the voices inside my head telling me I can't do this, or I should do that. They whisper of not doing enough or doing too much.

Stop mommy-shaming yourself. You are a badass.

Sometimes, I'm strong enough to ignore the mommy shaming. A moment of clarity will come, and I'll go days or even weeks thinking I'm doing my best, and everything is how it's supposed to be. I'll also realize that this moment of clarity is fleeting -- that the inevitable creep of doubts will come back again. But the constant ebb and flow of doubt and confidence is just part of life. And that realization is enough to get me out of bed and get going with my day.

In one way or another, we've all been mom-shamed. Typically, the worst villain is that voice inside our head. Like we critique everything else in our lives, we critique our ways of parenting. That voice inside is hard to shut up. It will tell you all sorts of ways you're doing things wrong.

Sure, you'll make mistakes. But you're allowed to make them because you're human and parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world. While those mistakes don't define you, they are essential. They're the fast track to your growth.

So next time you hear that shamer inside of you start bubbling up because you're unsure of what to do, or you've made a mistake, or you're just having a bad day, go ahead and kindly tell her to F*$# OFF. She has misled you so many times. She was probably the one who said you weren't good enough to try out for that play or the tennis team. She likely told you the wrong way to break up with Chris. She said that you were too ugly to wear that dress. She shouted you were too stupid to run your own company or get promoted.

But guess what? She's not the one raising your kid. YOU ARE. So what the hell does she know?

You deserve better, mama. You're intelligent. You're hard-working. You're empathetic. You're talented. You're courageous. You're the boss of your own life. You're enough.

Stop shaming yourself. Start praising yourself.

You got this.